Teachings of the Bard
by thewhitepatch
Summary: "Welcome to the world of Fire Emblem Awakening. I'm here to make sure you don't die in a stupid way. If you listen to me, your death will be heroic and dignified." A different sort of Self-Insert story.
1. Enter Ned

**_Now I know what you're thinking: "Why are you starting another Fire Emblem story? What's your endgame here?"_**

**_Well, I wanted to try something that was disconnected to Decruited and, after looking through a few self insert stories, decided I wanted to honestly try my hand at it. I wanted to explore some themes and ideas other stories don't really address or explore._**

**_This is a very, very different kind of storytelling. skips chunks of the story,, due to the way it's told. It jumps between the narrator telling the story and the immediate, first person telling of the story. However, the narrator knows things that the first person doesn't know, and vise versa. That will become more relevent in later chapters. Also, some of the stuff described in the first person isn't being described by the character of the narrator. It's stuff he's leaving out, but still happened. So I guess he's an unreliable narrator._**

**_Hope you guys like it!_**

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><p><em>Welcome to the world of Fire Emblem Awakening. I'm here to make sure you don't die in a stupid way. If you listen to me, your death will be heroic and dignified.<em>

_The first thing I'm going to tell you, before we talk about anything else, is that you shouldn't panic._

_actually, I would honestly be more concerned if you didn't panic. You're in a new world, no warning whatsoever. You can panic if you want to, but don't overdo it. _

_So you woke up in this new world. Maybe you woke up in the middle of a field, maybe you woke up underwater. The fact that I'm talking to you now means you probably already figured that part out._

_Wherever you pop up, odds are it's somewhere close to South Town. It's a pretty bland place, but if you know what you're looking for, it should be your first sign to where you are._

_Welcome to Ylisse. If you figured out that much, you should also be aware that shit's going to hit the fan in a bit._

_There are a few very important lesson you need to understand if you want to fit in around here._

_I'll tell you about my first time, just to illustrate my point and teach you these lessons._

_I had actually woken up in a pile of hay, like a sleepy Assassin. I was as confused as anybody would be. I eventually figured out where I was, but there were still a few questions on my mind._

_Why was I here?_

_Who was responsible for bringing me here?_

_When would I get to return home?_

_And, more importantly…_

* * *

><p>How the Hell do I use magic?!<p>

I looked up from the thunder tome at the approaching bandit. He seemed to know exactly how to use his sword, which didn't bode well for me.

I had a bunch of random crap on me. I was wearing a hooded cloak and light, stylish armor. It would defend me, but its main purpose seemed to be to look nice. I had a sword on me along with the thunder tome. Strangely, I also had what appeared to be a lute holster on my back.

The bandit ran in for the attack.

I threw the book at him.

...I panicked.

Well, it gave me enough time to draw my sword. It wasn't anything special, just a silver blade.

I felt like there might be some instincts somewhere inside of me that knew how to use it, despite the fact that I never received any training.

Like Tucker said, "Swish, Swish, Stab." How hard could it be?

The important thing was to make my enemies think I knew what I was doing. I smiled a cocky smile at the bandit, who was rubbing his head in pain after the book attack. I danced the blade in front of him, hoping to coax him into attacking me.

He growled at me, swung his blade and SHIT!

SHIT!

SHIT I CUT HIS HAND OFF!

WHAT DID I JUST DO?! I JUST DID A THING AND NOW HIS ARM IS OVER THERE AND I'M OVER HERE AND GOD.

THAT IS A LOT OF BLOOD. HE'S YELLING A LOT. I SHOULD HELP HIM.

HE- he does not want me helping him.

Obviously. I just cut his arm off. He might still be a bit bitter.

Before he can bleed on me or something in retaliation, a larger, much fancier sword then mine goes right through his chest.

"Are you alright? You seem rather skilled, although I'm surprised you only went for a crippling blow."

Ah, Chrom. Let's sweet-talk my way into the main group.

"Oh, him?" I said, looking down at the corpse, trying not to show how grossed out I was. "I wanted to keep him from thieving again. I wanted him to run away and seek redemption."

"Or he could just go and become a pirate or something." Chrom suggested.

"I suppose." I sighed. "It might just be honorable or some nonsense like that. Honestly, I kinda wanted him to tell people about me. Legends have to start somewhere."

So I guess that's what I'm going with, personality wise.

Chrom raised an eyebrow. "And who might you be?"

* * *

><p><em>This is a very important moment.<em>

_The first lesson I will teach you is that first impressions are very important._

_It is your first impression to Chrom, and ultimately, if this were a game, the audience. Imagine what it would say of your recruitment text, or what it would say in your bio. I changed a lot from the main synopsis of my character I gave Chrom, but there were aspects of it that always stayed with me._

_When you meet Chrom, make sure you're putting your best foot forward. For some reason, I thought it was a good idea to be a character to Chrom._

_It wasn't that I didn't like the person I was or anything. No. I liked him. He was one of my favorite people. It's just...he didn't really fit the role._

_There's a difference between people from our world and people from this world. People can be heros, sure, but, in the romantic realm of Ylisse, heroism comes easier to people._

_I think I did pretty well._

* * *

><p>"I've gone by many name and titles." I said, dramatically looking off into the distance. "Granted, most of them were given to me in fits of rage, but I count them all the same. You see, names have power, and the more name I accumulate, the more powerful I become. But, seeing as you seem to be a respectable man, I shall give you my true name. I am Ned, Bard of the Eastern Coast."<p>

To add to the image, I grabbed the lute on my back, posed dramatically with it, and played a few notes.

Huh. Doesn't sound bad.

A pause, for dramatic effect.

"You may have heard of me."

Another pause.

"...I'm afraid I haven't." Chrom admitted. It would be stranger if he had.

Still, I couldn't let him know that. As far as he knew, I thought everyone had heard of "Ned, Bard of the Eastern Coast."

"W-What?!" I spluttered, stumbling out of the dramatic position, before composing myself. "So I guess tales of my deeds haven't traveled this far…" I snapped my fingers. "What you lot need is an epic storyteller, and I happen to be the best I know!"

Well. I guess I'm going full Kvothe. Or a parody of him, at least. Once a theater kid, always a theater kid, I suppose.

Chrom looked at me strangely. "...Well, I suppose we are getting a few new additions to the Shepherds. Would you care to join?"

"I believe you already know the answer, sir!" I exclaimed, putting a hand around Chrom's shoulder. "This is the beginning of a story that the bards of the future will sing about for centuries!"

* * *

><p><em>...Don't look at me so strangely. I was having fun.<em>

_As strange as the character I put on was, it's still a good example of what you should do when you define yourself. I gave myself a voice, a bit of a back story, and an identifiable character trait. _

_Besides, I was kind of right. This was a story people were going to tell. Hell, I'm telling it now._

* * *

><p><strong><em>So yeah, the story is being told like this. Hope you think it's interesting.<em>**


	2. Ballad of Jeff

_**I was...floating.**_

_**It was like I was underwater, but nothing like that. It was like I was underwater, but without the water.**_

_**Obviously, I've never been in a situation where I'd have dealt with zero gravity, but something told me there was something different about this weightlessness.**_

_**I suppose I shouldn't be describing the fact that I was floating in a slightly glowing nothingness.**_

_**There were much more interesting things to describe, like the dragon.**_

_**Another thing I've never experienced before are dragons. There's always been a screen or reality separating me from the beasts. Now, up close, you could really tell how magnificent they were. It was completely understandable how religions could be formed around the likes of Grima or Naga.**_

_**...I'm not really panicking about the dragon now.**_

_**Weird.**_

"_You have been chosen, young one..." __**The Dragon said, in a much more soothing voice then I would have expected.**_

_**I tried to respond, but I could not find my voice. **_

"_You have been chosen to represent your world, a forerunner to those that will follow your footsteps." __**The dragon continued. **_"_This is a tale you already know. You have been given skill and improvements to succeed in this alien world. Now use those gifts to excel in it. Make your place in it, and you shall be saved."_

_**I managed to find my voice.**_

"Rewarded?" _**I asked. **_"What would be my reward? I make it to the endgame, and you send me home?"

"_You will be rewarded." _ _**The dragon replied. Before I could ask any more questions, he faded.**_

_**And I awoke.**_

* * *

><p><em>I'm sure you've played the game. It's rare that they send someone here that's unfamiliar to the world. You should already be aware of how large the personalities are of the Shepherds. <em>

_A bunch of unique characters like that, you have to be really careful about what you say around them. Each one requires a different approach. Some of them are easier to appease than others._

_For example, Lissa._

* * *

><p>"<em>The noble pine stands aloneNo one to see how tall it's grown/In its frozen home/So it stands in the snow /And the north winds blow/It's a cold little life here in Winters"_

I was sitting at the camp with Frederick, Chrom, Lissa and Robin. Robin seemed to be the default. I suppose throwing anything new at me would somewhat throw me more off course then I already was.

Anyway, they had just asked me if I could play them a song and, initially, I panicked. I had this lute thing, but I had no idea how to play it.

However, I had an image to keep up. I bragged about playing them a ballad, so I thought of the first ballad I could think of. Well, it had 'ballad' in the title.

"_And there's a boy all alone/No one to care how tall he's grown/In his frozen home/So he stands on his own like the pine"_

I was playing this song I had recently heard online, from brentalfloss. It was a cover of the "Winters" theme from Earthbound, a song about Jeff. It was sad and I liked it.

"_And as the snow falls down/It never makes a sound/Sure, it seems to fly around/But it's headed for the ground/This winter's gonna be long, yeah/This winter's gonna be long"_

I was doing really good doing through the song. The audience seemed to really like it. Lissa had stars in her eyes, Robin and Chrom both seemed relaxed, and Frederick was using the distraction to get rid of his bear meat.

"_And in his dreams, he can fly/A daring genius hero guy/With a dad nearby/But he wakes,/ And there's snow/And the north winds blow/It's a cold little life here in Winters"_

That was all good, considering the fact that I was freaking the fuck out.

I can't play anything. Never had the skill, never put in the time. Yet here I was, playing a fucking lute with more skill then my friends who actually put effort into this sort of thing. All I was doing was telling my mind what song I wanted to play and following an instinct.

And then there was my voice. Singing was the only thing I could really do musically, but I didn't sound this good, especially without practice. Hell, you should be able to sing this well without warming up first.

"_So will he live like the pine?/Perfectly still, just killing time,/In a slow decline/Or will he come to be something more?"_

The song was almost over, so I should probably start thinking up some bullshit backstory about it, to make it sound more epic.

"_Maybe adventure lies/Beyond the snowy skies/With a purpose and a friend/Waiting just around the bend/Till then he's gotta be strong, yeah/'Cause winter's gonna be long/This winter's gonna be long."_

I finished the song, and waited.

Lissa began quickly clapping and cheering.

"WOOOT!" She shouted. "That was amazing! So cool!"

* * *

><p><em>Lissa's the easiest person to win over. The only way to piss her off is to really try. Actually pissing her off isn't recommended. I would say she's the most scornful of all the Shepherds, despite also being one of the kindest.<em>

* * *

><p>"My lady, you must silence yourself!" Frederick exclaimed. "You'll draw attention to yourself!"<p>

"But Frederick, that was great!" Lissa exclaimed. "Didn't you enjoy it?"

"I suppose it wasn't that bad." Frederick admitted. "Coming across a random bard is much less suspicious than coming across a random master tactician." He glared at Robin.

* * *

><p><em>Frederick is generally wary, hence the "Wary" name. However, in the beginning, you should let him go through his distrust of Robin. That way he'll forget about how suspicious he was of you. Just avoid him in general for the first few days. <em>

_Also, a great way to get on his good side is to go to his fitness sessions. Oh, they're hell, but it's really nice to be able to build up strength on your own. _

_Robin...Robin is a mixed bag. The thing about Robin is that Robin could be anybody. You can't even pin down what exact gender your Robin will be. Robin is usually always smart, so when you do interact with them, you should be on your guard. _

_Also, don't allude to the game story at all, even as a little snarky comment to yourself. I've seen Outsiders do that during the Gangrel war, only for Robin to remember their foreknowledge when their Grima connection was discovered._

_It never ends well._

_I guess I should mention Chrom, but you could have already guessed at this point that he's trusting to a fault._

* * *

><p>Thing were a little tense between Robin and Frederick, so I figured I should lighten the mood.<p>

"A random bard?" I asked, as if I was offended. "I'll have you know I'm the greatest bard on the Eastern Coast!"

"You keep saying that 'Eastern Coast' thing." Chrom noted. "Where is it?"

Shit. Let's BS my way out of this.

"The eastern one." I replied.

"There are a lot of eastern coasts." Robin said. "Which one are you from?"

OK, if Robin could cite amnesia, I'll use it to, even if I'd be lying.

"I'm going to be honest with you folks: All I know is that I'm from the Eastern Coast." I said, as if I was revealing something I was embarrassed about. "I remember getting on a boat, but even that's a bit fuzzy."

"...Didn't you say there were stories about you?" Chrom asked.

"Well, I'm a bard!" I exclaimed. "You could remove my brain and feed it to me for dinner and I'd still remember the songs and stories! Sure, I might not remember much about my personal life, but I can still entertain audiences everywhere!"

I'm really good at this backstory thing. It's fun.

Lissa looked at me with dramatic tears in her eyes. "That's...so sad!"

Robin looked at her. "...I have full blown amnesia. How is that less sad?"

"Because it isn't beautiful, Robin!" Lissa exclaimed.

"You're correct, my lady!" I exclaimed, dramatically standing in front of the fire. "It would seem the stories of my previous deeds didn't travel as far as I had assumed they had, but make no mistake! This story will be told about for ages! Starting now!"

And then, as if on cue, the sky exploded.

* * *

><p><em>The song in the chapter was "Ballad of Jeff" by brentalfloss. It's a fantastic song. You're all going to learn I have a weird sense of music. A lot of video game stuff and show tunes.<em>

_Anyway, the beginning of this chapter was a bit vague. It happened while Ned was sleeping. _

_This is going to be an interesting project. I'm interested in seeing how well it's received. _


	3. The Man in the Mirror

_Now, I'm not going to patronize you. You know the story. If you're here, you know the story. Chrom starts a war. Emm dies. Chrom wins a war. Lucina shows up a few times, yadda yadda yadda, kill an evil dragon._

_I know what you really want to know about: You want to know about the people. I'm not gonna lie: The Shepherds are a strange group. Each of them have their own tick and whatnot. Generally, if you studied the supports, you should have a pretty good idea of what you're getting yourself into._

_Now, since I'm going to assume that you're sane, I'm going to say that you haven't studied the supports. No matter. I'll tell you what you need to know about each person you come across that'll be important._

_I already told you about the original three. Chrom's too trusting, so you don't have to worry about him. I don't really have any anecdotes about him. I didn't really interact with him in the beginning, so just as long as you don't cause any trouble, you probably won't have to interact with him._

_Actually, there was this one time…_

* * *

><p>"Ned?"<p>

"Yeah, Chrom?"

"Did you teach Lissa a new song?"

"Well, I mean, she was listening to me play earlier, but I don't think she-"

"_Something Something~ DEFYING GRAVITY! Something Something~ DEFYING GRAVITY!"_

"...She clearly didn't remember all of it. My sister's just like that."

Chrom groaned.

* * *

><p><em>...That might not be important to your story. Then again, it might be. You never know.<em>

_I wasn't that accustomed to my new move set, but I realized that it was actually pretty similar Robin. So, when we returned to Ylisstol, I trained with him._

* * *

><p>I fell to the ground, having been struck down by Robin's training blade.<p>

Well, I think I figured it out.

In Fire Emblem, a Bard is apparently a slightly shitter version of a Tactician, which, when you think about it, kinda makes sense.

Robin extended a hand to me, which I grabbed.

"You're not bad." He says, slightly out of breath.

"Well, you're better." I replied. I'm pretty crappy at taking compliments, so I often deflect them into complements for the other person. I can tell when I'm good at something, but I don't want to seem too cocky.

...Actually, it might be more fun to act cocky. Fits the character, and since I've already started it…

"...Which is saying a lot, considering the opponents I've fought in my time!" I exclaimed dramatically. I'm not gonna lie: It's way more fun playing the bard character then it is being myself. If I'm going to be here, I might as well have fun with it.

"Well, regardless of who you managed to defeat beforehand, you seem to have gotten rusty. I think we should train together more often, considering our similar skill sets." Robin said. "It could be useful having someone around with a skill set like mine."

"Too bad you can't pass that brain of yours onto me…" I commented.

"Well, on the other hand, you haven't heard me sing." Robin joked.

I looked at the tactician. "...In the battlefield, I think the brain might be more useful than music."

"Really?" Robin asked. "I'm surprised you don't know any stories about music winning wars."

"Believe me, I'm sure the stories will come flowing out when there's a blade to my throat." I replied. We put the dulled swords away, as Robin tossed me a green tome.

"Ok then." He said. "Let's see where you are in regards to magical skill."

Crap.

I looked at the tome. How do I do this? I don't want to ask Robin. Otherwise that would bring up a bunch of other questions that I don't want to give the answers to, like why I was carrying around a tome I didn't even know how to use. I could probably BS a reason, but I was only trying to lie when it fit the character.

Maybe if I follow the same instincts that helped me use a sword…

I felt myself drawn to a certain page. I flipped quickly to that page, and I felt power rush through me. It was a though I had stuck an invisible arm into a well of air. I grabbed the air and took it out of the well. I noticed that I was glowing now, which meant it was working.

I aimed for the dummy in the center of the room. I took a deep breath, winded back the invisible arm, and threw the power at the target.

A powerful gust of wind suddenly came out of the magical ring that had formed around me and engulfed the dummy, blowing it to the ground.

"Woot!" I exclaimed, pumping my fist in the air. "That was good, right? That was good."

I looked over at Robin, who was examining the dummy. He hummed curiously, looking up at me.

"What?" I asked.

"...Let me see that tome for a second." Robin said. He put the dummy back in it's place. I handed him the book as he took his place. He opened the book and, in a flash of light, fired at the dummy.

Wind still engulfed the dummy, but, instead of push it over, it cut it up with blades of wind.

"See, that's what is usually does." Robin explained. "I'm not sure what you did, but it's a non-lethal attack. I suppose there's some strategic value in that."

...I suppose I should be thankful he's not asking why it happened. I don't think I'd be able to explain why.

"Well, that's pretty odd." I commented. "Any ideas about why I can't get all wind slicy?"

I was still pretty curious.

" I'm not sure." Robin shrugged. "I'm a tactician, not a scholar. I suppose you could ask Miriel…"

…

"...Let's not." I said.

"Yeah, I was going to say. She might take your hands for further study." Robin commented.

I couldn't help but to laugh at the comment.

I'm gonna bro support the shit out of Robin. It's gonna be good.

* * *

><p><em>So I figured out a few things about my new skills. You already determined what skills you wanted. You might not remember doing it, but you did.<em>

_Any changes that happened to you since you entered this world were done solely to help you survive. Everything has a reason. Nothing is wasted._

* * *

><p>I don't know if I was ever going to get used to lack of running water in this world.<p>

Regardless, I managed to bathe myself. It was pretty easy to get back to my room. As gross as it sounds, this was my first shower since I got to this new world.

I had laid out my clothes before I went to take the shower. I had finished putting on my pants when I noticed there was a mirror in the room.

I walked up to it, curiously. I hadn't gotten the chance to examine myself since I got here, so I was curious about what changes had occurred. I looked at myself in the mirror.

...At least, I think it was me.

I first thing I noticed was my body. I was way more fit then I was at home. I was out of shape, but not necessarily fat. The man in the mirror, however, had the body of someone who traveled the land, got into fights, walked everywhere. It was the body of a bard. It wasn't my body.

Then there was my face. Again, I wasn't bad looking guy. I'm confident enough to say I was handsome. My face was more usually more of a circle. The face in the mirror, however, was more sharp, less round. Again, it was the face of a charmer, the face of an actor, the face of a bard, and not my face.

My face and my body were both pretty disjaring, but it was the smaller details that really got to me. I had accumulated a few scars and marks over my life. The body in the mirror, however, had baby-smooth skin. I reached and felt the back of my neck, where I knew I had a bumpy scar from when I was five and got shingles. A shiver went down my spine as a felt smooth skin.

The skin above my nostrils was usually a little red and would usually have flakes of dry skin coating it lightly. Not the man in the fucking mirror. His face was clean and shiny, not in a gross way, but in an attractive way. I hadn't shaved in a while, but I could already tell that, by the hair that was growing in, I would only grow hair on my face, no neck hair at all.

My eyes were slightly larger. The white patch of hair on my head was larger and, instead of being a circle just above the bangs, connected to my bangs and stretched more toward the back of my head.

My head was beginning to spin. I sat down on my bed, hands on my head. I could understand the combat upgrade. I need to join an army.I could understand the fitness upgrade. I would need to be fit to survive in an army. The old me wouldn't be able to survive in an army setting. I could even understand the sudden upgrade in musical skill. I was apparently a bard, so I had to do bard things.

However, I couldn't see a reason for any of the cosmetic upgrades. Well, I supposed I could see one reason. It was true that I was a rather OK guy back at home, but, compared to the flawless, hand-crafted figures of the Fire Emblem character, I'd stick out like a doughy, blemished thumb. Still, that didn't mean I had to like it.

I ran a hand through my short hair and look at myself in the mirror again. Yes, I had to accept this was me. I wanted to be the character of a bard, I would have to have the body of one. I didn't exactly like the idea, but I suppose I had to get used to it.

The thing I wanted to know was if I would go back to my old body when I got home, or if I was going to keep this one. I kinda hoped not. This would be a pretty hard body to maintain.

Then again, I'm sure she wouldn't exactly have any problems with it…

My thoughts were interrupted by a light knock at the door. I looked over to see Lissa, standing in the doorway. I guess I had forgotten to close the door. Hopefully no one saw me change my pants...I didn't even want to think about the comparisons I'd have to do with _that._

"Uh…" Lissa said, face slightly red. "Dinner's ready…"

...Right. So far we don't exactly have any of the hunkier Shepherds yet. The guys were attractive, sure, but they were all also either formal and polite knights, children, whatever Vaike was or, in Lissa's case, related to her. So I guess I was filling out eye-candy duty.

Well, in review, I was wet, shirtless, and pretty fit, so I guess you can't really blame her. And Lissa is pretty dramatic in her own right. It was like a preview to the Summer Scramble or something.

I ran through the three ways I could react to the blushing princess. I could flirt with her, since it would be in character. However, I'm not sure I want to go down that road with anyone just yet. Gotta wait for that right girl to romance. I don't think I've really reached any support levels with Lissa yet, so any flirting would make things awkward.

I could also chastise her. I was feeling a little uncomfortable with the way she was looking at me. I would feel better about it if I had earned any of the attractiveness she was looking at, but I hadn't. I was feeling kinda dirty about it. I suppose that's also more evidence for the first reaction. Still, I didn't want to be rude to her, since she technically has authority over me.

The third option was to act casual. It was a win-win. She could get her eye-candy, and I wouldn't have to make things awkward. Still, after this, I was definitely going to make sure I locked the door next time.

Shit, I should probably say something. I've been thinking about this for a while.

"You got it, princess." I replied, grabbing my undershirt off the bed. "So who's cooking tonight?"

"...Um…" She said. "...What was that?" She wiped some drool off of her open mouth.

...Oh, come on now. That's just obnoxious. I should probably say something.

"Look, princess." I said, pulling the shirt over my head, putting it on. "If you're going to be the healer of the Shepherds, you should probably get used to seeing . If this is how you react to me…" _You'll get a lady boner so large it'll be charged with trespassing the Plegian border _"...you won't be able to focus on your job when we're on the field."

Lissa's face lit up more, before settling to a lighter blush. "...I suppose you're probably right. I'm sort of more used to battlefield healings. If I want to expand into more general medical stuff, I'll have to get used to stuff like this, and probably worse."

I laughed. "Yeah, eventually you'll be like my sister. She used to be so grossed out by stuff, but, after becoming a nurse, she could casually talk about patients that just couldn't stop pooping at the dinner table."

Lissa grimaced. "That's disgusting!" She exclaimed, making a face.

I laughed harder, finally putting on my cloak. "Rest assure, that won't be one of the stories I tell. Not enough drama. Believe me when I say that I have plenty of fantastic stories to tell!" I exclaimed dramatically. Lissa, however, looked at me strangely. "...What?"

"Nothing." She paused. "It's just, when you're in your full garb, it seems your demeanor changes completely."

"Well, princess, I'd expect you to act differently if I had walk in on you without a shirt on." I joked, causing Lissa to blush again.

"That would be different!" She exclaimed. "What I mean is that you act way more...act-y when you're in you costume thing!"

I laughed. "Well, I suppose that's because that fits the character." I said to myself, as I got up and left the room.

"What was that?" Lissa asked, following me.

"Nothing!" I exclaimed.

* * *

><p><em>That last bit with the mirror is interesting. In regards to the narrater, he didn't tell his audience this part. He may have mentioned how Lissa saw him shirtless, but not about his insecurities and the mirror. <em>

_ I needed to emphasize how attractive Ned had become in comparison to how he looked before. He wasn't unattractive before, so he sees the cosmetic as unnecessary. This is the first time he has begun to question why he's been altered in the way that he has been._

_I'm going to try to write a little scene with each character, so Ned has a bit of a base relationship with each of them. Story-wise, this is Ned telling his audience what they want to know-about the characters. Like I said, this story's going to be told in an interesting way._


	4. Push-ups and Love Songs

**I know not much really happens in this chapter, but I think it's fun. I actually already wrote the next chapter as well, but I figured I could cut it in half.**

* * *

><p><em>So the thing about Lissa is that, when you first meet her, she's going to be rather immature. However, as you go on through the plot, she'll become more mature. I've found that the change happens around Emm's death. This is her coming-of-age story, so keep an eye on her in case she makes some mistakes.<em>

_Try to keep her alive long enough to get married. I like Owain. _

_...If you're planning on romancing her, well, that's more on you. I try not to give romantic advice. Those sort of things seem to vary from person to person. _

_I've already told you a few things about Frederick, but there is one important fact that you should never forget. Get this carved in your face. Or, actually, don't. That would be pretty hard to see._

_Never. EVER. Work. Out. With. Him._

* * *

><p>Everything hurts and I'm dieing.<p>

"Ned!" Frederick exclaimed, looking toward the back of the group of soldiers as they began their third round of push-ups. "You're falling behind!"

Well, my arms are done. Ominous body improvements or not, there was only so much a man could take. I fell on the ground, ready to die.

The armored foot in front of my face wasn't going to let that happen.

"Ned!" Frederick growled. "You have to keep up if you wish to serve the Shepherds to your fullest!"

"Everything hurts and I'm dying." I told him, looking up at him, hoping he would take pity on my exhausted soul.

Frederick is a cruel god. "You'll certainly be dead if you do this in the middle of battle."

"I can accept that." I said, not moving. "And so I valiantly die in battle, and that would be my story."

"A pitiful ending, if you ask me." The knight commented. I glared at him, rolling off of my stomach and sitting up.

"Wanna know what's a worse ending?" I sarcastically asked. "Me dying in the middle of training."

Frederick smirked to himself. "It is interesting to see how much work it takes for you to lose all you flowery talk."

"I prefer the term 'theatrical.'" I said. "Virion is far more flowery than I. What if...what if I entertained the soldiers while they worked out?"

"This is an army, not a theater." Frederick said, annoyed.

"Actually, I've found in my experience that people feel more encouragement when they hear music." I said. Sure, I was talking about iPods in a gym, but I'm pretty sure the same principle applies to medieval armies.

Frederick eyed me suspiciously. "Are you sure you aren't just saying this to get out of training?"

"Probably, but I've been working with Robin, so that should cover it." I get the feeling I won't be that physical of fighter, so I might as well figure out some support stuff. Maybe music works the same way dancers do.

Frederick still looked at me, before sighing. "Very well. It's clear this is your first time working with an army. This amount of training probably would kill you." He waved his hand toward the barracks. "You can call it a day for now. However, know that, in a few weeks, you'll be at the level of training to this extent."

"Well, I suppose that's something to look forward to." I commented, stretching out.

* * *

><p><em>I know what you're thinking. "Why are you complaining about Frederick's training when you found a way out of it?"<em>

_Well…_

* * *

><p>"<em>You must be swift as a coursing river! With all the force of a great Typhoon!/ With all the strength of a raging fire!/ Mysterious as the dark side of-"_

"NED!"

* * *

><p><em>Turns out the Great Knight isn't a Disney fan.<em>

_Anyway, since we mentioned him, Virion was pretty easy as well. He's got his own things going on, so he'll be trying to get along with you more then you'll have to get along with him. _

_He did commission me once to play a song for him in his attempts to woo Sully. I think it went well._

* * *

><p>"My beloved Sully-" Virion said, bowing to Sully.<p>

"Ruffles." She said to Virion. "Music Guy." She said to me.

"Greeting, Sully." I said, sitting down on a nearby bench and taking out my lute. "Virion here has commissioned me to dedicate a song to you in his name."

"...Can you not?" She asked, glaring at the archer.

"No refunds!" I exclaimed before he could respond. "Let's go!"

I strummed a few strings, making a pleasant sound. I thought of the song I wanted to play and, as if it were a reflex, my hands began to strum the lute and my voice began to sing.

"_Words are what I use to describe the way I feel about you/ You got eyes inside of your eyeholes,/ you got lips in front of your teeth/You got mase, in other ways, just another way to say what /I'm trying to say, yeah"_

Virion and Sully looked at me, confused as I went on.

"_Baby when we kiss, it's like your lips are touching mine/When I hold your hand, it's like my hand is holding yours/ I wrap my arms around you because that's the only way /I know how to have you in my arms"_

Sully shot Virion a glare, causing his look of confusion to turn into on of panic.

"_And we'll always be together/If we're never apart/I'm as sure as I can be, you got hair, skin and feet/Baby baby baby you used to be a baby baby baby/And the way you drive me crazy/__Well it's making me-"_

"Ned!" Virion hissed at me. "I do believe that is enough of that!"

"What is with you Shepherds and not letting people finish their songs?" I asked, stopping the song.

"That song wasn't about anything!" Virion exclaimed. "You were just listing body parts! You forwent elaborating on any of Lady Sully's magnificent features."

"I actually thought it was a somewhat funny." Sully commented.

"Really?" Virion and I both asked. It was kinda an alternate comedy song, which is a genre I know isn't for everybody.

"Yeah. I always hear random saps writing love songs about some dainty maidens."

Sully said. "It's nice to hear someone showing them how stupid that crap is."

"It was Virion's idea." I said.

"What?!" He exclaimed. "I would never-" I elbowed him in the ribs. "I-I mean, yes, I do have quite a sense of humor. After realizing how much you detested my old direction in displaying my affection toward you, Ned here showed me several songs that would appropriately parody the act of courtship, one that I know you tire of, and I selected one that I thought would best parody it."

"Really?" Sully said, skeptically. "Tell ya what: I have to finish training, then maybe you can tell me a few jokes, alright?"

"I-indeed!" Virion exclaimed. "That would be most excellent! I shall bring my comedic prowess!"

Sully nodded and headed toward the training grounds. Virion quickly turned to me, surprised.

"How did you know that would work?" He asked.

"Virion, I'm a bard." I replied, cockily. "Not to kiss and tell, but I know my way around a woman's heart." That wasn't completely a lie. While I wasn't one for serially seducing woman, I did have a girlfriend before I was sent to this world.

I wonder if she'll believe me when I tell her about my time here…

Anyway, I was mainly trying to mess with Virion, but I love the idea of attempting to troll someone, then using said trolling to make the person look more impressive.

"Well, you have my thanks, my friend!" Virion replied. "Now, do you suppose you could tell me a few jokes?"

"Virion, my friend," I said, "if you want to actually have something with Sully, you should build up your relationship from here. Use your own jokes to woo her."

"I suppose you're right." Virion said. "Well, I suppose I must be off. Never keep a lady waiting, right, my friend?"

"Right." I replied. "Godspeed, friend." I raised two fingers to my head and saluted him.

* * *

><p><em>I actually like Virion, although he is lucky I didn't go with "Bitches Ain't Shit" for the song.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>So the two songs used in this chapter were "I'll make a man out of you" from Mulan, and "Sappy Love Song" By Hard n' Phirm.<strong>

**I thought I might as well do some bounding stuff for a chapter. Two chapters from now, I'm introducing another aspect to the story that you don't really see in, well, a lot of Fire Emblem stories. So look forward to that.**


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